KUALA LUMPUR – Poor parenting is partly to be blamed for many behavioural problems among children today.
According to Pengasih's President Yusuf Pathi, when children are emotionally abused by the parents, siblings or other family members, they are left traumatised and their psychological development is impaired.
"Some parents release their pent-up anger on their children or quarrel in front of them. When a brother or sister has a problem, they take it on another sibling.
"There are also parents who physically and sexually abuse, apart from neglecting their children's emotional needs. Often there is no cordial relations among the siblings," added Yusuf.
Pengasih is an 18-year-old association set up to rehabilitate drug addicts.
As the parents' knowledge of how to bring up a child usually comes from their surroundings and their own upbringing, the negative behaviour of the parents is highly 'toxic' because the children too will do the same when they become parents.
Avoid becoming a toxic family
Yusuf also advised the parents to avoid unrealistic hopes or a hypercritical attitude on their children.
"Parents should avoid being too egoistic. Maybe their children are smart, but avoid unrealistic expectations on them. Some children may not be good academically, but they may be successful in other areas.
"We as parents must be honest with our children and should avoid setting unrealistic boundaries that makes life difficult for them," he said.
Children are at risk
Unreasonable behaviour like meddling too much into children's affair, being overbearing, forcing the parents' will on the children, having unrealistic expectations, discriminating in their affection are among the pitfalls that the parents should avoid.
However, the parents should learn more of their children's world today.
Being inquisitive is important so that the parents are not taken for granted or misled by their own children.
"The children of today are very knowledgeable. They are exposed to greater risks, so parents too must alter the way they think and educate their children in a balanced manner. They have to understand the teenage psyche," explained Yusuf.
Parents too have to be sensitive of the early signs of children at risk, for example, when their children distance themselves from their parents, do not see eye to eye when communicating, start rebelling, become very secretive and so on.
Starts from home
Whether you like it or not, parents have to be a good role model for their children, teach their children to make decisions and create a conducive environment at home, keep an eye on what their children are doing and also get to know their friends.
Good parenting begins at home where the living environment is harmonious. This can be achieved through greater interaction with the children, by spending more time with them.
For example, praying in a group with the children helps to inculcate religious values and create a close knit family.
Patience
Teaching and moulding the children is a process that needs to be repeated over and over again and calls for great patience.
According to Dr Yahya Don from the Universiti Utara Malaysia's (UUM) Cognitive Science and Education Faculty, parents should not easily give up and should continue repeating the teaching and moulding process of their children.
However, the question is how often the parents reprimand or guide their children? Do they reprimand in a proper manner?
Do they carry out this daily or more than 20 times? This process must happen regularly," explains Dr Yahya.
The other problem is that the parents are impatient, they want the children to change in a blink of an eye or within days.
Dr Yahya opines that the change in behaviour involves several process and a time limit. How fast or early the change occurs depends on the motivational influence or the environment.
Parents have an inherent role in educating and controlling their children's behaviour. However, as they are impatient and expect immediate results then we see rash actions like smacking, cursing, canning and etc.
This in turn will distance the children from the parents, will make some to hold grudge, feel depressed and stressed, and this may push some to react negatively.
"One should not forget that the children are not robots that can change according to our whims and fancies. Maybe, the rebuke today sees an impact on them five or ten years down the road.
"Therefore, as parents, we have to be patient and the important thing is that we continue teaching and guiding our children without hesitation."
Don't give up
In fact, parents should avoid giving up or shift the responsibility to others. For example, some parents believe the onus is on the teachers who have already been burdened with daily commitments and responsibilities.
Dr Yahya also notes that there are parents who are aware of their children's negative behaviour in schools but choose to be indifferent.
According to him, there are also parents who are well aware of their children's poor performance at school but are at their wits end as they do not know what to do or from whom to seek help.
He opines such situation shows that parents too need counseling in bringing up their children.
"For example when their children are involved in drugs, violent behaviour, or act beyond the boundaries. Parents fear to take action."
Drawing the line
Based on his experience, Dr Yahya sees that there are parents who do not want to take action fearing the society may look down upon them, fear that their children will run away from home or arrested by police, jailed and so on.
In this respect, the parents must draw the line between their affection for the child and what is best for them. Other than parents and teachers, the society and the environment also influence the children's development.
As for Dr Yahya, parenting needs patience, love, determination, motivation, guidance and others continuously. Parents must understand the process, their needs and their wants in moulding their children. — Bernama
